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Laugh With Me

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Laugh With Me

I Won The Lottery, Now What

Wanna hear something embarrassing?

When I forced myself to visualize winning the Powerball (which I 100% believe is going to happen because I SAID my word of the year was "billionaire" and people, there ain't such coincidences in this world), my hands full on broke out in cold sweat.

It's a terrifying possibility, isn't it?

I thought seriously about how I'd react, what I'd do in that life-changing moment. Let's set the scene: me, in my messy room, eating Indian takeout in my unmade bed. All of a sudden, I remember. It's time. I have zero clue what TV channel this gig is on, so I turn to Twitter in the hopes that I'll eventually come across the magic numbers. Come across them, I do. 

But wait. Something gets triggered in my brain. Why do these digits look so oddly familiar?


Stare at the numbers.
Cackle because for a second, I thought I had the right combination.
Shit, wait. That is the right combination.
Go over every number. Compare it side by side. 
Stare some more.
Break out in a cold sweat.
Oh, hang on. I'm on Twitter. This is a hoax. *scoffs*
Go on the Powerball website.  Watch replay of the drawing. Yup, same numbers.
Take a nap.
(It's what I do when I get overwhelmed.)
Call my mom.
Hang up before she picks up.
Look up the instructions - how many days do I have to claim my prize?
Hide the ticket. 
Retrieve it. What if there's an earthquake and I can't get to it in time.
Hide it again. My hands are too sweaty, what if I smudge the numbers.
Draft an email to work: I need a mental health day. Gotta process this.
Order belated Christmas gifts. 
(I know.)
It's fine. I picked ones that are a squillion times more expensive. Like a house in Bay Area.
Freak out.
I most likely didn't win, and now I have to return everything because who can afford a three thousand dollar espresso machine. Or a house.
Call my sister or my best friend or my parents, hiccuping and sobbing. They have no idea what's happening, and think that maybe I fell and broke my face or something more valuable like my phone. 
Curl up in fetal position, and wait for sleep to overtake me so I can deal with this situation at a more opportune time. 

In all seriousness, what would you do? Who would you tell?
Once I gather my wits, I'm pretty sure my plan would be this: squirrel the money away into a bank account, hire a financial advisor and a lawyer. I'd start writing checks for millions of dollars to my loved ones, writing stupid things like "buying your love" "now can you answer my phone calls finally" "you're stuck with me" in the subject line. Invest in promising startups mostly because I work in Silicon Valley and startups are all I know. Start a venture capital firm. Give most of the money away to those who need it more than I do: charities, people I see going through a rough time, those who are close to eviction or who haven't had a real meal in days, and obviously also the good people trying to take down Trump. 

Then, I'd do something frivolous like try to buy my way into Pretty Little Liars or Quantico writers' minds so I know what the end game is. Or send JK Rowling chocolates... of the fancy, not so froggy variety. Or build a cat sanctuary finer than the Buckingham Palace. I want a Starbucks in this sanctuary so I can have my morning latte while I pet cats. Oooh, and a top of the line waffle maker, too. 
What I'd ultimately like to do is book a [first class] flight outta here and just go. I'd pick a place. Right now, I'm thinking Montenegro. And from there, I'd have no itinerary, no plans. On a whim, I can decide to stay another week, or say hasta luego for now. In the middle of lunch one day, I could fly to Iceland. Or New Zealand. Or back to SF in time for dinner with my friends. 

I probably should've titled this post "day in the life," because I'm pretty sure you just got a play-by-play of my evening. Just you wait. 

Anyhoo, if you see mysterious amounts of money being wired into your bank accounts, it's just me saying: you are cordially invited to my cat sanctuary. What's your waffle order?
And also, I'd just like to say that the lottery and the firm belief I actually have a chance at winning the lottery, is everything my very expensive B.A. in psychology told me not to fall for. But that didn't stop me from waving a twenty dollar bill in the face of the liquor store clerk, and most likely doing the same thing again this afternoon before the cut-off.


  1. For sure going to get a lottery ticket today! If I won, I would probably buy a private island and fill it with cats (and call it Meowy...not to be confused with Maui) and just live there forever. I like the idea of buying my way onto PLL but I don't want to act, I just want their hair and makeup artists to do my hair and makeup everyday...and I would buy all of their clothes from the set!

  2. It's fun to think about all of the things you could do with that much money! I'd love to visit your cat sanctuary (and I like blueberry waffles, just saying)! But actually winning would be so crazy. I wouldn't know how to handle myself or what to really do with all of it.

  3. Bahahaaa....the letter, "you're stuck with me"...perfect. Also, SAME...right after hyperventilating I usually take a nap.

  4. Haha, is it bad that my coworker asked me what I'd do if I won the Powerball and I said, "Um... I'd pay off my student loans and my debt." That's all I care about! But let's be real - once that was done I'd get my butt back on a plane and travel everywhere. And buy some new shoes. :)

  5. Lololol this is the best reaction ever! And yeah, I'd need to bribe the PLL writers to find out about the end game...and see if it's too late to stop the impending Spencer/Caleb relationship, because gross.

  6. Love this post so much. SO MUCH YES!! PLL, Cats, Montenegro?! All about that life. Buying my way out of the startup I work for would also be a huge benefit.

  7. I would definitely buy a few houses in places I'll want to live in 10 years, quit my job to travel for the foreseeable future, figure out how much it would take to buy my friends out of their jobs to come with me, fund the campaigns in each state looking to overturn Citizens United, and then start some sort of passion project from a villa on Monte Argentario.

    1. "buy my friends out of their jobs" - that's everything. I told my friend that if I had won, I would've called and said, well I kind of quit your job for you so please just hop on the private jet outside your house right now and go with it. Tehe!

  8. I would have no clue how I would react if I won the lottery or more importantly how to claim my prize! I have all these things I would do if I won the lottery such as buying 2 homes one in my hometown and one in California somewhere, set up my own beauty practice like a beauty school for children who can't afford to go to actual college, travel for a year, give my family money, buy lots of food, buy lots of shoes and clothes and buy a car (oh and save some!) I did just ponder this for a good 10 minutes!

  9. Love this! I think I would be doing something very similar to this. ;-)

  10. Spending an hour in the queue on 13 January I finally bought the cherished Powerball ticket, still I won nothing. Waiting for the results I had been imagining how I'd spend millions...

    1. An hour! What a trooper :) We were getting our lottery tickets when a whole firetruck full of firefighters stopped by to grab theirs too. Ha it turned into quite the party!

  11. *dead from laughter*
    Offers to carry your bags in New Zealand.

  12. The best thing that has ever happened to me was how i won the lottery. I am a woman who always believed that one day i will win the lottery. Finally my dreams came through when i sent an email to Dr. Konga and told him i needed the lottery winning numbers. I have come a long way spending money on tickets just to make sure I win. But i never knew that winning was so easy until the day i meant the spell caster online which so many people had talked about. He is very great in casting lottery spell, so i decide to give it a try. I contacted this man and he did a spell and he gave me the winning lottery numbers. But believe me when the draws were out I was the lucky winner. I won £3,780,340. Contact him via email (, with this man you too can win lottery. I am so glad I gave this voodoo caster a try. Email:


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xx Caroline